Is Your Web Copy Making the Sale?

Carl and I just finished one of our “discussions” about what works (for our business, our website, life in general, etc).  As usual with us, the one with the highest conviction wins.   In this case it was the first paragraph of our Ongoing Support (you can find it under the services tab).  Carl felt strongly that what I had written was just not punchy enough.  It wasn’t making the sale.

Here’s my original opening paragraph:

New, improved best practices for websites are evolving at a rapid rate.  It’s sometimes difficult for the individual site owner to find the time to keep up with current developments.   Websites need to evolve and change so that they remain fresh and current.   Our ongoing support plans keep us on board, analyzing your site on a regular basis, keeping you up to date on current best practices for usability and conversion and how they relate specifically to your site.

Here’s Carl’s opening paragraph:

Most consumer electronic sites convert less than 1% of their visitors to customers.  Best Buy converts more than 10%.  Think about it…on 1,000 visitors, less than 10 orders vs. more than 100 orders.  Does this make sense?  Absolutely!

Here’s why. Best Buy works every day on converting more of their visitors to customers.  For most large companies, a 5% or 10% conversion rate isn’t a goal.  It’s a data point on the way to a higher rate.  They know there are companies converting 15% and 20% of their traffic.  They never stop working on it.  They have the qualified staff to do that.  Most small sites either don’t know anything about how to do it, or if they do, they can’t afford it.  That’s where we come in.

The Resolution

I hate to admit it, but he’s absolutely correct.  We’re making the same point:  you must have a process for continually improving your website.  His opening ties this process to something real…if you don’t keep working on your website’s conversion, you’re leaving money on the table.  Mine doesn’t tie ongoing website improvement to anything tangible; best practices are nice but what is their real value?

Just like Carl, I am a true believer in the process of continuous improvement – the difference between us is, that he’s not afraid to say “This is something you must do”.

Which version of the opening paragraph speaks to you?  Why?